Braving the Wilderness

Belonging to Yourself First

Writing often begins with a paralyzing fear of challenging established beliefs. In moments of deep vulnerability, the instinct is to seek approval from critics to stay "safe." However, creating work that merely nudges existing ideas without upsetting anyone is a form of inauthenticity. True courage comes from firing the internal naysayers and surrounding yourself with the "contagious courage" of innovators who were unafraid to be different.

For years, a specific philosophy from Maya Angelou felt deeply wrong: the idea that true freedom is belonging nowhere and everywhere at once. This seemed like a recipe for loneliness. To a child who grew up feeling like an outsider—whether due to a name that caused racial confusion in a segregated city or being the only non-Catholic in a parochial school—belonging felt like the ultimate prize. The ache of not fitting in became a defining thread of life.

The most painful experience of exclusion happened during high school drill team tryouts. After weeks of grueling practice and a starvation diet, the realization that "not being drill team material" was about more than just missing a dance team. It felt like a loss of family belonging, met with a crushing silence from parents who valued "fitting in" above all else. This silence forced a retreat into a narrative of being alone and unworthy, leading to years of trying to be a "chameleon" to find acceptance.

This struggle eventually birthed a career in social science. By studying people and patterns, it became possible to navigate the world as an expert "fitter-in," though at the cost of self-estrangement. It took decades to realize that fitting in is the opposite of true belonging. Fitting in requires changing who you are to be accepted; true belonging only happens when you present your authentic, imperfect self to the world.

A turning point arrived through a simple practice of writing "permission slips" to be goofy, excited, or real. This act of self-validation was the first step toward belonging to oneself. It meant choosing to wear jeans and clogs to a high-stakes business event because they felt authentic, rather than donning a "professional" costume that felt like an imposter’s uniform. It meant refusing to "clean up" the truth of human experience—including the praying and the cursing—just to make an audience comfortable.

True belonging is a paradox: it is the ability to stand alone when necessary, rooted in your own values, while still feeling connected to the world. It is not something we achieve by joining a "squad" or following a blueprint. It is a practice of self-integrity. When you belong to yourself, you are no longer a prisoner to the expectations of others. You realize that you are only truly free when you are willing to stand by yourself in the "wilderness" of your own truth.