Down Girl

How Misogyny Enforces Social Rules

Violence against women often hides in plain sight, masked by technicalities and social silence. A prime example is non-fatal strangulation, an act frequently and incorrectly referred to as choking. While choking involves an internal blockage, strangulation is an external application of pressure that deprives the brain of oxygen. It is a terrifying demonstration of physical domination that often leaves no visible marks, yet it is a primary predictor of future homicide. Victims of such attacks are seven times more likely to be killed by the same person later. Despite its lethality, many legal systems treat it as a minor offense, and society often greets it with indifference. Kate Manne suggests that this specific form of violence serves as a clear example of how certain behaviors are used to enforce authority and maintain a sense of control over women.

When women are subjected to such violence, they often experience what is known as "testimonial smothering." This coined term describes what happens when a person realizes that their audience is either unwilling or unable to understand the truth of their experience. If a woman speaks out about abuse, she may face further danger from her attacker or be met with a lack of competence from the public and the legal system. In such an environment, the victim begins to edit her own story, leaving out the most dangerous or unbelievable parts because she knows the world is not prepared to hear them. The power to control the narrative is a central tool of social dominance, especially when public figures accused of abuse use their influence to rewrite history. For instance, Manne notes that Lisa Henning once spoke eloquently on national television about the patriarchal legal system that protected her abusive husband, Andrew Puzder. Decades later, when Puzder was nominated for a high-ranking government position, that same woman issued a statement claiming the abuse never happened and that her previous testimony was a mistake. This turnaround suggests that the victim’s independent perspective was eroded and replaced by the official version of events dictated by the person in power.

To understand these dynamics, we must move away from the common definition of misogyny as an individual man who hates all women in his heart. This view makes misogyny seem like a rare psychological flaw rather than a widespread social problem. Instead, Manne argues we should view misogyny as a system of social policing. It is a hostile force field that women encounter when they break traditional rules or challenge male dominance. Under this definition, a man does not have to feel hatred to be part of the problem. This systemic view explains why misogyny is often selective, targeting outspoken or ambitious women who reject traditional service roles. Manne illustrates this through the experience of writer Lindy West, who was targeted by an online harasser. When confronted, the man admitted that he did not hate women in his personal life, but he felt threatened by West’s confidence and her refusal to be timid. Misogyny functions as a defensive mechanism to protect male dominance, triggered not by the mere existence of women, but by women who refuse to stay in their assigned places.

This dynamic is clearly visible in the way public figures react to women who speak out. When law student Sandra Fluke advocated for insurance coverage for birth control, radio host Rush Limbaugh responded with intense hostility, calling her a prostitute and a slut. By casting her as someone demanding payment for sex, he positioned himself and his listeners as the victims of her entitlement. Patriarchy views women in functional terms, so when a woman stops being a silent giver and starts making demands, her independence is perceived as a personal attack.

This system of enforcement becomes even more complex when it intersects with other forms of prejudice. Black women often face a specific blend of racism and misogyny known as "misogynoir." Manne shares the story of Rosetta Watson, a Black woman who was evicted from her home under a local nuisance ordinance because she called the police for protection from domestic violence. This case illustrates how social structures can punish women for seeking help, effectively locking them out of safety. By recognizing misogyny as a functional tool of social control rather than a personal feeling of hatred, we can better understand the systemic barriers that women must overcome.