Thanks for the Feedback

The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

Douglas Stone, Sheila Heen

12 min read
1m 4s intro

Brief summary

Receiving feedback well is a learnable skill, but most of us react defensively. The key is to shift focus from the giver to the receiver by understanding the three triggers—Truth, Relationship, and Identity—that make us feel attacked.

Who it's for

This is for anyone who feels defensive when criticized and wants to learn how to use feedback for personal and professional growth.

Thanks for the Feedback

Audio & text in the Readsome app

Why Feedback Feels So Hard

Feedback follows us through life. It starts in school, continues at work, and shows up in families, friendships, and intimate relationships. Even though it is everywhere, most people still struggle with it. When we give feedback, we think others are too defensive. When we receive it, we often feel judged, misunderstood, or unfairly criticized.

The usual advice focuses on how to give feedback better. That matters, but it misses something important. The person receiving the feedback has the most power, because that person decides what to take in, what to question, and what to use. Even clumsy, harsh, or poorly timed feedback can contain something useful if we know how to sort through it.

This creates a deep inner conflict. People want to learn and improve, but they also want to feel accepted as they are. Feedback can feel like proof that who we are right now is not enough. That is why even small comments can sting more than expected.

Receiving feedback well does not mean agreeing with everything. It means staying steady enough to understand what is being said, decide what is true, and choose what to do next. That skill improves performance, strengthens relationships, and makes growth possible without giving up self-respect.

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About the author

Douglas Stone

Douglas Stone is a founder of the Triad Consulting Group and a Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School, where he has taught for over thirty years. His work focuses on negotiation, conflict resolution, and communication, and he previously served as an Associate Director of the Harvard Negotiation Project. Stone consults for a wide range of organizations globally, including corporations, non-profits, and governmental bodies, on the most challenging issues of communication and dispute resolution.

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